


Hold Me Close

by BananaChef



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Bathing/Washing, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Literal Sleeping Together, Post-Episode: s05e07 Emily, Vulnerability, be prepared for sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29231727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananaChef/pseuds/BananaChef
Summary: “I love being with you, Dana,” Mulder began, his smile fading in the place of an earnest expression. “I mean it. I wouldn’t trade the time we’ve had together for anything. Iwantto be here for you. Always and forever. Allowing yourself to be weak sometimes just makes you strong.” She looked up at him, studying his gaze for a moment or two before nodding and grabbing his hand, giving it a squeeze.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 34





	Hold Me Close

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: i laid in bed for ~45 minutes, intermittently crying, after "Emily".

“We have evidence of what they’ve done,” Scully said with wavering conviction. Mulder felt tears gather in his eyes at the feeling of the last ray of hope leaving her when he pursed his lips and averted his eyes.

He was silent as she walked over to the side of Emily’s casket. She’d told him that she thought this grief would be like her grief for her father, but instead, she was just numb. For a short while, she had a daughter—she was a _mother_ —and then, as sudden as the revelation came, Emily was gone. Scully grasped his bouquet of flowers in her hand and, after waiting a moment to work up the courage, pushed open the lid.

Mulder looked at the floor, his eyes blurring with tears. He’d known Emily even less than Scully, but even so, he’d felt some sort of connection to the girl, too. He hadn’t known what to call the instinct inside him that made him point a gun in a man’s face for Emily when it happened, nor when he went to Scully with his findings. But now he knew: it was the protectiveness of a father. Mulder had spent so long chasing after the elusive truth that he forgot the truth right in front of him. He wanted to be a father—he knew that now.

His head shot up at the sound of Scully’s strangled sob, and he saw her holding her cross necklace loosely in her hand. Before Mulder realized it, he was standing beside her and gently taking the bouquet of flowers from her hand. He set it on the cushions inside the coffin before collecting Scully in his arms, tears streaming down both of their faces.

“Why do they keep taking them from me?” she sobbed, pressing her face into his shirt. “First Melissa and now Emily... I don’t understand. I was a mother. I had a daughter. I had a daughter...”

Scully’s sobs broke Mulder’s heart. “I don’t know,” he told her, looking at the ashes in the coffin. He threaded his fingers in her hair as he cupped the base of her skull, holding Scully close. “I don’t know. But I won’t rest until they’ve been stopped.”

* * *

Mulder watched Scully hug her mother in the foyer from the small front porch of Bill’s house, bidding her family goodbye. Both of them were ready to leave San Diego and put what happened behind them. Work and regularity was something they both wanted after the past two weeks, although Mulder suspected that it wasn’t necessarily what Scully needed.

“I love you guys,” he heard Scully say. “Especially you, Matthew.” She pressed a kiss to her nephew’s forehead and stepped away, waving as she pulled the door shut.

The smile on her face fell the instant she turned away from her family, replaced with one of her unfeeling masks. Mulder recognized it as her not feeling comfortable expressing her true feelings, and didn’t say anything, only heading to the car a few steps ahead so he could open the passenger side for her.

Halfway to the airport, Mulder spoke up: “Dana,” he started, gripping the steering wheel to ground himself, “if you want to talk, I’m here. And, of course, I’m here if you don’t want to talk. I’m—I’m here for you, no matter what. Through anything that could happen, I’m here.”

He chanced a glance at his girlfriend, reaching for her hand as they came to a stop at a red light. Scully squeezed back and sniffled, though she didn’t turn her head from where she was resting it against the window. Their relationship was tentative and new, but steady, ever since the first time he visited her after she left the hospital. Emotions had bubbled up and spilled out, Scully leaning her head on Mulder’s shoulder leading to their fingers intertwining, leading to slow and deliberate eye contact, leading to kissing, leading to their first but certainly not last time sleeping together.

“I was going to leave the bureau,” she said. Mulder brought her hand to his lips before letting go to continue driving. “Get a low-intensity job somewhere so I could be there for Emily, probably something I could do from home. Get a new apartment. Maybe even a house, near my mother’s. I’d started looking at listings for two-bedroom places. I was excited, Mulder. I was excited to have a child, to be a mother. Do you know what it’s like? That ache to have a family?” Scully trailed off, her voice breaking. “I feel it every day, Mulder. I want it _so_ badly... But I can’t have it. I don’t get that life.”

He looked over at Scully as the car rolled to another stop, blinking tears from his eyes. “I hope you know that if I could give you children, I would. You deserve to have the life you always wanted—the life you unknowingly gave up when you joined me on this quest for the truth. And, you know, it’s becoming harder to tell where the truth even _is_ anymore. Is it out there, with the men that caused this, or here, with you, admitting to myself that I want a family, too? I mean, where does this crusade even end? Back when I met you, things felt so clear-cut, but now...”

“Now you just feel kind of empty?” Scully supplied, looking over at him with her sad blue eyes that made him want to weep.

“Yeah. It’s not a good feeling.” The conversation lulled for the rest of the car ride and didn’t pick up until they were seated in the plane, waiting for it to leave the airport. Scully had a book open and Mulder was doodling in his pocket notebook, unsure of how to word what he wanted to say. He took a deep breath and closed his notebook. “I think you should take time off.”

“What?” Mulder looked over at Scully, who was looking at him incredulously, her brows furrowed.

“I...I think you should take some time off. And this isn’t because I think you won’t be able to work, but precisely because you _will_ when I don’t think you should. I mean, I’m not a therapist, but I’ve known you for about five years, Dana. I know what your coping mechanisms are. You—you try to bury yourself in your work so you don’t feel, but what if you have those feelings because humans are _meant_ to feel? What if you just need someone to help you feel them? I know you don’t like feeling vulnerable but sometimes we need help! I know that sometimes you feel so much that you end up smoking because it’s your last resort.”

Mulder cut himself off and sighed, sitting back in his seat and closing his eyes. He could feel the gears turning in Scully’s head as she formulated an answer, and after a minute or so, she voiced it. “I never gave myself the freedom to feel so much because I always thought that it would only hurt more in the end,” she started softly, averting her gaze to her lap. “I don’t like coming off as vulnerable because people can just be so _sexist_ and think that that’s all I am—some vulnerable bimbo. It’s hard to get out of that mindset, even around my family. And you. And it’s just...it feels like every time that I let myself feel it all, it just hurts more.” Scully trailed off, trying to suppress the tears and sobs attempting to escape. “I’m afraid that letting myself be free because it feels like being loved by me is a death sentence. There’s no science behind it—I can’t quantify or substantiate it—but first my father, then Missy, and now Emily. What if I end up losing you or my mother or Bill or Charlie or Matthew and Tara?” She sighed, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back against her seat. “Maybe you’re right. I should take off and relax. Go to a spa. Get some rest. And book an appointment with my therapist when I get home—can’t forget that.”

Mulder grabbed her hand and squeezed it, prompting Scully to open her eyes. “I’m glad. I don’t think a lot of work’ll get done without you to balance me out, but it’ll be good for you to get away from stressors.” He gave her a soft smile, coaxing a small one out of her, before settling in for the flight.

* * *

Mulder woke up with a start to the blaring ring of his phone. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them widely, blinking a few times as he rolled over and reached for his phone resting on the bedside table. “Mulder,” he managed, voice gravelly.

He heard sniffling from the other end of the line and sat up, suddenly wide awake. “Mulder,” Scully whispered, taking a ragged breath, “I had a nightmare.” The admission seemed to break something in her and Mulder felt his heart shatter to pieces at the sound of her sobs.

He knew how much it must have taken her to call and tell him, so he didn’t waste any time getting ready to leave. “I’ll be over in ten minutes, Dana. Do you want me to stay on the call?” Mulder pulled up a pair of pants, pressing the phone against his shoulder with his cheek.

“Yeah,” she replied weakly, sniffling again. “I’m sorry.”

“No, Dana, no. This is fine. It’s fine. I’m glad you called me. I know how hard this is for you. Hold on.” He pulled on a shirt and picked up his phone again, snatching his car keys from the coffee table before heading out the door. “I’m heading out the door now, okay? I’m right here. I’m right here.” Mulder continued to murmur soothing words to Scully during the drive, his heart beating wildly in his chest as he tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. “I’m almost there, Dana. I’m parking right now. I’m gonna hang up, okay?”

“Yeah...”

“Yeah,” he repeated, breathless with anxiety, as he turned off the car and made his way into her building. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Scully answered, her voice rough from crying. She seemed calmer now, but Mulder didn’t want to be parted from her for another minute.

He hung up and climbed the stairs to her floor, taking them two at a time before jogging over to Scully’s door and shoving the key into the lock. “Dana?” Mulder ventured, closing the door behind him. He made his way to her bedroom, where he found Scully sitting on her bed, a picture of Emily in hand. “Oh, Scully...” he whispered, and pulled her into his embrace, letting her tears soak his shirt as she grasped its fabric and pressed her face into his abdomen.

Neither of them said anything for a long time as Mulder smoothed his hand over her head, his other rubbing her back. “I love her so much, Mulder, and she never got to feel any of it. I have so much love to give but no one to give it to.”

At her words, he knelt down in front of her, taking her face in his hands and smoothing his thumbs across her cheeks. Mulder angled her head down and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead, wishing he could take away all the pain and heartache she felt. He moved on to her eyelids, lightly pressing his lips to each of them before moving on to each cheek, then the bridge of her nose, and finally, to her lips, for a chaste kiss. What he couldn’t say with words, he said with his touch, pressing his forehead against hers.

“Stay with me?” Scully whispered brokenly, ending the silence.

“Always,” Mulder replied. He climbed into her bed and under the comforter, pulling Scully into his embrace so that her head was resting against his chest and her legs were entwined with his. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head and inhaled deeply, suddenly aware of how close to tears he was himself. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Scully murmured, snuggling into his warmth under the blanket, fitting against him like two pieces of a puzzle.

* * *

Morning found Mulder alone in Scully’s bed, sunlight filtering through the blinds on the window. His hand stretched out to her side of the bed, he sat up, and finally heard the shower running. Groggily, he threw away the comforter and stretched, eventually stripping on the way to the bathroom. “Morning, sleepyhead,” Scully greeted him, turning around when he stepped into the shower to face him.

“Morning,” he responded, voice sleep-rough, and pressed a kiss to her lips with a smile. The simple domesticity of the mornings after nights where one of them spent the night at the other’s place made his heart soar.

“Thanks for coming over.” Scully was facing the spray of the water again, lathering her hair with shampoo, and Mulder knew that she wasn’t just being practical.

“If we lived together, I wouldn’t even have to,” he ventured, knowing that the suggestion would provoke Scully into looking at him in consternation.

On cue, she turned her head enough to look at him, eyebrows bunched together a little bit in a way that only made her look cute. “Mulder...” she warned, and he grinned, grabbing her bar of soap.

“I love being with you, Dana,” Mulder began, his smile fading in the place of an earnest expression. “I mean it. I wouldn’t trade the time we’ve had together for anything. I _want_ to be here for you. Always and forever. Allowing yourself to be weak sometimes just makes you strong.” She looked up at him, studying his gaze for a moment or two before nodding and grabbing his hand, giving it a squeeze.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Fox Mulder.”

“And I, you, Dana Scully.”


End file.
